“Dating” to Friends in 15 steps

(Disclaimer: I’m still figuring out my labels. I know I’m ace but I’m not sure where I lie on the spectrum. Also, I have no idea what my romantic orientation is.)

Step 1: Meet somebody who you enjoy being around. Somebody who makes you laugh, who is interesting, who you wouldn’t mind getting know better. This can be done at school, work, through a friend, at the local Ultimate Frisbee league you joined for shits and gigs, etc…

 Step 2: Exchange contact information. Save their number on your phone and if applicable, find them on Facebook.

Step 3a: Text them when something reminds you of them - usually this is related to an inside joke between the two of you.

Step 3b: Smile when they text you out of the blue. It means they were thinking of you.

Step 4: When there is an event coming up (eg., a party, music festival, movie, etc…) ask them, or agree to go - whichever comes first.

Step 5: Disclose how much fun you had and agree to do it again sometime.

Step 6: Repeat Steps 4-5 a few more times.

Step 7a: Become increasingly confused after somebody else mentions “you’re going out again?” because you don’t know if you’re jut going out on your Friday nights, or if you’re going OUT out.

Step 7b: Be confused because if this IS actual dating, would it be so bad?

Step 7c: Eventually decide that yes, it could (would?) be bad because you don’t want to kiss them goodnight, let alone hold their hand.

Step 8: Have a super fucking awkward conversation and hopefully you’ll end up with a good friend at the end of it. If they react badly, let it go because you’re better off without their entitled ass.

Step 9: Become best friends. Talk about life while eating pizza and drinking beer. Take care of them when they get messy at a party. Have them bring you cold medication and chicken soup when you’re sick. Spend date-less Friday nights actually watching Netflix and chilling. Continue doing date-like things because it IS fun. Roll your eyes whenever somebody asks “sooo what’s going on with you two?”

Step 10: When they meet somebody who they can’t stop thinking about, get as excited as they are. Drill them with questions, encourage them, facebook creep the interest. Genuinely be excited and hope it goes well.

If it goes well, proceed to Step 11.

Step 11a: Meet the SO. If you’re lucky, you’ll like them. If you don’t, try to pretend that you do (unless you have a good reason not to like them, eg. they’re abusive, cheating, etc…but hopefully that won’t be the case).

Step 11b: Get really good at third-wheeling.

Step 12a: Start spending your Friday nights watching Netflix by yourself again. Struggle to find somebody to go to a thing (eg a play) with you, because your go-to person is celebrating their anniversary.

Step 12b: Gradually feel like you can’t talk to them about the deep stuff anymore because you worry that they’ll tell the SO.

Step 12c: Realize how lonely you feel. And then feel guilty for being so selfish.

Step 13: Reach out to old friends to fill that emotional gap in your life. Make new friends. And maybe go back to Step 1 with somebody else.

Step 14: Remain friends. Maybe not best friends anymore, but good friends nonetheless. Stand in their wedding, go to baby showers, be a god-parent. Be genuinely happy for them.

Step 15: Briefly wonder about the what-ifs. Wonder how life would have been different if you’d been attracted to them, if you had tried to date, if you didn’t realize that you were asexual.

Then scoff at the thought. You are and always were better as friends.